Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
