i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
