theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
