Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
