I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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