I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
