My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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