How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You may now shotgun with the bride
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
