She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
