i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Randomize
