So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize