im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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