Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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