I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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