The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
