I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
