I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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