the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
