Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Randomize
