Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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