Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
