Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
