Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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