My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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