My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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