had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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