Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
