We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
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i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
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Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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