Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
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