i just had sex bonerless
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
