Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I bet he comes in French.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
