I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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