I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
