when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
