Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
