I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
