sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
