what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
