what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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