How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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