I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
