this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
