Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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