i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
