Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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