it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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