We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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