I just threw up on my dentist
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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