I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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