Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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