final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
