you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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