He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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