So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
