i don't like sucking hair
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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