Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
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I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
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True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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