oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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