After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
