I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
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If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
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The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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