i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
